Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize