I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
