It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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