I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
