so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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