just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
