listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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