I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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