guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
