Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize