I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
