he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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