careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
