Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
