and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
