Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize