my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
