we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
