I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
