I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
