May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
