im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize