I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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