you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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