How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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