According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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