They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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