Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
