I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
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