i'm signing you up for texting rehab
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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