I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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