do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
