dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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