Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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