I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize