Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
