i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
