My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
