Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
