We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
