Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
