Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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