Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
