Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
How does it feel to date your dad?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
