The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
