I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
