so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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