She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
