On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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