I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
