i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
