Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
