Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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