i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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