At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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