You really coming over, don't trick.
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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