best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
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