remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
