there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
