I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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